On second thought...

Last night, my mind and heart were filled with so many things. All the cute, funny and frustrating things about life as it has been lately. And yet I couldn't get it out. Instead when I went to write, it came out differently. I posted it, then chickened out, and deleted it, but not before a friend had already read it.:)

So, you know those posts people make on Facebook? The ones that mean they need to just say something, but don't want to have to explain? The ones that if made, at least let a bit of it out? Yes those ones…you've seen them. They're the ones that make us wonder, or pray quietly that everything's okay. Or depending on the relationship, make us "inbox" them.:)

I understand that there will be different feelings about this subject, and I respect most of them (haha- I'm not THAT good!)

This is one time I would be interested in feedback though. I know that people read and don't comment for whatever reason. That's okay. This post is so incomplete….because there's too much, and how do you say it all. How do you cover all the bases, and all the possible situations. So let me say that these are my thoughts…. my musings… because I don't know…can't possibly know…because I haven't walked in your shoes. xoxo Carmel
Here it is…I have edited only slightly.

Beyonce and Jay-Z

Yes you are in the right place….:)

So I am probably not the only one who read the article about this couple, who have just had their baby, and rapper daddy alludes to a miscarriage in a song celebrating the birth of his little girl and his fatherhood.

I am thrown when reading things like this. This week, I read again (after purchasing the cd with the song on it), the story of Angie and Todd Smith (Selah) and the loss of their little girl Audrey. They co-wrote a beautiful song "I will carry you". Happened to see the Duggar's mention their loss (really- does it matter that they were expecting #20 or whatever?)

People's reactions are so varied when people make these stories public. Some applaud them for sharing, others not. Why is it that this subject makes us so uncomfortable? Perhaps because it is so intensely private? Perhaps because the mention of it hurts so deeply? Perhaps because some don't recognize it as a valid loss and so therefore it must be 'gotten over'?

But see, we don't talk and so we're the walking wounded. There is that fine line between not wanting everyone knowing our business, and sharing the loss, so that we can walk through it, and not drown in it. Sometimes this is what confuses me about the kind of fellowship we claim to have with each other. Its not happy happy happy all the time. But we think we're supposed to be (perfect), and so we pretend.

People very dear to me have been here. One...My sister... lost a baby, and I hurt for her. She lost another baby, and I ached for her. I didn't know… couldn't have. Mummy says, that when she had her 2 miscarriages, she just dealt with it on her own. There was no-one to talk to. So she moved on. She's a strong woman, my Mummy. So perhaps they just don't make them like they used to. Chin up, dry your tears…oh it happens to one out of four women…happens all the time…. get over it.


And then, there's that date on the calendar that no-one else remembers, or that baby that comes into your Sunday morning church service, who looks just about the right age. It's not a desire to want to keep hurting, but it's a loss that by some unspoken rule, is not to be spoken of or mourned.

You can't know until you've been there, what not to say, so don't say 'oh it happens'….or 'be thankful for the one or two or more you already have'…..

Having said that, everyone has their own way of dealing with loss of whatever kind. For the very private ones amongst us, their choice not to talk should also be respected. My mouth runneth over so I suppose I don't quite understand not needing to talk about something.:)

That place…that 'afterwards' place…. is a lonely one. It doesn't matter that someone has been there….it is different for everyone. There are days that feel normal, and then there's guilt for feeling normal. There are days that are dark and it feels like walking through fog, when the voices of the the one or two or more seem like they're coming through walls too thick to breach….. and the guilt for feeling (and wanting to be) unreachable. There are days when you want to talk and days when you don't, and then you just need to know that there are people in your corner that don't care about how you react, but are just waiting to be needed in whichever way that may be.

My sister has a sister…. who lost a baby... then another...and then another…. and God gave more grace than ever.

I didn't know…couldn't have known.

Perhaps again, I say too much. Oh well...